Someday someone may wish to quote me, so I leave them these gems and words of wisdom:
"For every stupid movie there's a stupid person that proclaims it to be brilliant."
"Never get involved with a woman that owns more than one cat, never get involved with a man that owns more than zero."
"I've never lost anything that required the assistance of a surgeon to recover."
"Pistachios are awesome, but the one at the bottom with the unopened shell probably isn't worth the broken tooth. It does mock me though."
"Coke tastes better then Pepsi. Deep down you knew that to be true."
"The all-you-can-eat buffet isn't a competition. But if it is, I'm winning hands down."
"God gave you two ears and one mouth, so you should listen twice as much as you talk. He also gave you ten fingers, so apparently you're supposed to do a LOT of touching."
"Used to be you could tell the folks who didn't know where they were going by the compass on their dashboard. Nowadays everyone has GPS and they're completely lost."
"Cell phones made me stupid. I can't remember anyone's phone number anymore."
"Whenever you first meet someone and they offer their hand to shake, clasp it tightly in both hands and don't let go until you're done speaking with them. Sure, it leaves a bad impression, but they won't forget your name."
"When a husband and wife approach you for directions someplace always give the incorrect directions. That way the wife won't nag him so much to ask a complete stranger next time."
"If you drive for twenty miles with your left blinker on at ten miles under the speed limit, it gives the guy behind you something to talk about at dinner."
"Febreze has to be the best invention ever. I haven't had to do laundry in six months."
"If you're the first one in line then maybe what you're waiting in line for isn't that great."
"Greedo didn't shoot at all! That's the way I liked it George!"
"Any woman that says "a good man is hard to find" probably isn't much of a catch."
"Pizza is a well balanced diet."
"Everyone else does not appreciate the sound of your dog barking as much as you do."
"Fictitious peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are rarely found square dancing with dapper tuna salad in hat boxes. Unlike some of these quotes, I'm pretty sure nobody has ever said that before."
"Never get caught with your pants down. Unless, of course, you're into that sort of thing."
"A penny saved is just another thing you have to pay taxes on."
"If you crack open a beer in an AA meeting they kick you out for some reason, even if you brought enough to share."
"Speaking of Alcoholics Anonymous, why does everyone introduce themselves before they say anything?"
"The reason for the existence of horses is to cripple, maim, and kill famous people."
"The skateboard was invented as a population control device."
"The motorcycle was invented to make really fat, hairy guys attractive."
"Never waste the third wish undoing the first two bad wishes, just wish those two onto someone you don't like."
"I can understand stiffing a waitress on a tip, but the guy who delivers your pizza knows where you live."
"The next time you pull a nasty old dollar bill out of your pocket think about this: The strip club is a 3.1 billion dollar a year business in the U.S."
"If you steal a joke from Family Guy everyone knows where you got it from."
"If you get winded clipping your toenails you should probably stop clipping them."
"Picking your nose is a disgusting habit, but when you pull out that long one that's stuck way back in your sinuses it's sooooo worth it."
"Never discuss your hemorrhoid on the first date. Of course, if you happen to forget that rule and there ends up being a second date anyway, then you know you got a keeper."
"Why is there handicapped parking at the gym?"
"How come the toilet seats in women's restrooms still flip up?"
"Your mechanic knows exactly how much money you have in your bank account."
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