Tales of the disturbed one

this is my story about a man who becomes a monster through emotional pain which eventually affects his physical body.

this is in part based on my own love life and heavily inspired by the rock band Disturbed hence the name.

Please read and critique

page 2 should be coming tonight

thank you
Daniel

Ok, here's my critique on the whole thing.
first, I found the graph paper that you did it on a little odd for the ground of a comic, but if that's your thing, cool work with it, it makes lines a lot more straight, and crisp, for borders and lettering. the black lettering is Awesome, but the curvy blue lettering, though being very femine, which adds to the character, is a little hard to read.
This is obviously done in marker, which I'm not a big fan of, but does give it that nice handmade quality, it's just that the marker lines are easy to see. It's not a bad thing, its just not my thing.
Speedlines are awesome and add to the dramatic effect.
Though a little more background could be added.
And you panel layouts are very nice and interesting.
The size of the page is a little big for my taste, but that's just because my computer screen is a small laptop.

Things that you haven't shown yet, but are common to happen, would be using a lot of cliche'. phychological stories I find are all cliche'd and not very interesting. Since this is so based on your life, just keep in mind that us readers might not understand everything that goes through your head and you might have to explain even simple concepts .Lastly, try to steer away from going about this in an emo way, that's where all the bad cliches come from I found.

Hope this helped. =)

thank you

my page 2 is already half finished and i have already dealt with the writing that was hard to read, added a little background (but not much since most of this happens in the characters mind) and i have also cleaned up the writing so that you can tell the difference between the narrative monologue, the voices in his head and the actual dialog

on of the main reasons for graph paper is koz i do this at school in the middle of my lessons when i should be working and graph paper is all i can get my hands on

also because i dont have a ruler with me in class it helps me keep the lines for the panels and stuff straight

the problem with the word "emo" is that its a subjective adjective

i will definately be trying to avoid being emo but some people might consider it emo while others will not

i do want it however to end well with the character overcoming his adversities and not ending badly like him killing himself or something

also i am trying my best to touch on things that people have lived through including myself without being uncomprehensible

cliche is something i cant really avoid because its still my life story

if i have had a cliche-ed life then i will have to use that as a motivation to live better

I really liked however the graph paper I found distracting from your art.

page 2 is up and ive taken into account most of the critiques

sadly i just cant drop the graph paper because i physically dont have the time to measure out all of the panel lines and stuff myself

i am trying to add more background though to cover it up

all in all this second page is way better

just wanted to note that page 2 is now finished and up

These pages are huge. Please make them smaller, if you want us to be able to read this comfortably.

i ll try but i have no garantees that it ll come out right

page 3 is up

please drop by and comment and rate

most importantly

ENJOY

I think that it actually is quite a good concept, if the premise is a tad antipreclimactic (coin!)
The only thing that can really be improved is the art. Try and resize your pages to fit the screen (you'll instantly become more popular) and maybe think about lettering digitally (although that may look awful). Get rid of the graph paper, if you need to, put it behind your blank drawing paper and use it as a guide.

Keep working on the art, all I've been seeing so far is some vague silhouettes. Nice at first, gets old really fast. The colour is well done and striking, you've got good composition. Try and add some space between the panels, that will give it a flair if done properly (with overflows and even spacing etc). If you're going to be using marker (try paints/paintpens?) make sure the colouring is very evenly rendered and that black is black rather than sketchy. I know you may be trying for that effect but keep an open mind and try different things.

Good luck!

As people suggested before, change the paper. Use plain white paper for your comic.

thanks for the advice y'alls but just bear in mind that this is me basically unleashing my heart and soul on a piece of paper in the middle of class

i mean yeah i want it to be good but first a foremost its a story

about me

and about my life

and im just trying to share it with others

i have reshaped the pages and as of now it ll be better sized and more readable

i dont have time at home to do a comic so i do it in math or french or history or science... that kinda stuff

I love this comic's style. I love the graphing paper thing you do too, and it appears that there hasn't been any digital editing done to it (though I could be wrong).

Page 3.... Down With the Sicknes? Disturbed?


favorited in any case.

yes Disturbed are a major inspiration for this comic

You don't have any time at home yet you can do it in class? Maybe because you're doing lots of catch-up work at home? :P
You may be unleashing your life onto the page, but that's no excuse to not try and improve. Changing the type of paper you use isn't exactly stopping you from expressing yourself.

no my time is more consumed by counseling sessions and psychiatrist visits

i am improving my art but more importantly im improving my ability to draw a comic as opposed to drawing just single pictures