Heck, I don't know if there's already a thread like this.
Didn't find one anyway. Just remove/lock this up, if I'm making a double.
WARNING! Some rude quotations here....
THE ULTIMATE GODS
George Carlin
"Here are some more men who oughta be strapped to a gurney and castrated with fishing knives. White guys who shave their heads completely bald. They're so ashamed they lost eleven hairs, they try to turn it to some kind of a masculine statement. I say hey, you goofy-lookin' baldy-headed fuck! Looks good on black guys, on you it's ugly, repulsive and disgusting. You wanna be bald? Do what I did - wait awhile. In the meantime there's no excuse for runnin' around lookin' like a freshly circumsized dick."
"Religion easily has the best bullshit story of all time. Think about it. Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man...living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money."
Mitch Hedberg
"I'm not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "Fore", but I was too busy mumbling "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him.""
"I was in a casino, I was standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said "You're gonna have to move. You're blocking the fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit...unless your a table."
Bill Hicks
"Fundamentalist Christianity. Fascinating. These people actually believe the world is 12 thousand years old. Swear to God! Based on what? I asked them. "Well, we looked at all the people in the Bible, and we added them up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages – 12 thousand years." Well, how fucking scientific! Okay. I didn't know that you'd gone to so much trouble there. That's good.
You believe the world's 12 thousand years old? "That's right." Okay, I got one word to ask you. A one word question. Ready? "Uh-uh." Dinosaurs.
You know, the world's 12 thousand years old and dinosaurs existed, and they existed in that time … you'd think it would have been mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point. "And lo, Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus … with a splinter in his paw. And O, the disciples did run a-shrieking: 'What a big fucking lizard, Lord!' But Jesus was unafraid, and he took the splinter from the brontosaurus's paw, and the big lizard became his friend. And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a loch for O, so many years, inviting thousands of American tourists to bring their fat fucking families and their fat dollar bills. And O, Scotland did praise the Lord: 'Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Lord.'"
Other great comedians
Dylan Moran
Bill Bailey
Denis Leary
Lewis Black
Pablo Francisco
Stephen Lynch
Media Megaforum
Your favourite STAND-UP comedians!
Runosonta
at 4:32AM, July 26, 2007
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posts: 176
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last edited on July 14, 2011 3:12PM
TheMidge28
at 4:42AM, July 26, 2007
(online)
posts: 6,847
joined: 7-5-2007
I wonder if this thread might be better under Media Discussion...
But for my 2 cents worth...Demetri Martin.
But for my 2 cents worth...Demetri Martin.
last edited on July 14, 2011 4:20PM
ZeroVX
at 4:43AM, July 26, 2007
(online)
posts: 4,109
joined: 5-28-2006
What about Dave Chapelle?
"I have a confession to make. I will no longer smoke weed around other black people. *cheering* Calm down! I will only smoke weed with white people. *cheering again* Relax, motherf***ers! You won by default! The thing is, when a black person gets high, all they talk about are their trials and tribulations. I smoke weed to forget that shit! I don't need to listen to yours! When white people get high, though, all they talk about was the last time they got high! 'Oh man, last week I was at Ted's place, and we got so f***ing smashed.'"
"I've learnt many things about women lately. And one thing I've learned: Feelings are very important to women. They are all about- I'm just learning this shit! Everything's based on how they feel. And you can hear it in how they tell stories. You hear a man tell a story, it'd be just facts. Who, what, where, when, why. 'It was me and Bob, we were down at Safeway. Then n***** Bob said this. Then I punched the n*****, and then I broke out.' And that's the story. But if a woman tells a story, they go into detail. 'Well, you have to understand, I was really depressed today. And, my friend was having her period.' 'I don't care about that shit, get on with the story!'"
I'd use Dane Cook too, except Cthulhu's got that covered.
(Put up the nothing fight: I love that one.)
"I have a confession to make. I will no longer smoke weed around other black people. *cheering* Calm down! I will only smoke weed with white people. *cheering again* Relax, motherf***ers! You won by default! The thing is, when a black person gets high, all they talk about are their trials and tribulations. I smoke weed to forget that shit! I don't need to listen to yours! When white people get high, though, all they talk about was the last time they got high! 'Oh man, last week I was at Ted's place, and we got so f***ing smashed.'"
"I've learnt many things about women lately. And one thing I've learned: Feelings are very important to women. They are all about- I'm just learning this shit! Everything's based on how they feel. And you can hear it in how they tell stories. You hear a man tell a story, it'd be just facts. Who, what, where, when, why. 'It was me and Bob, we were down at Safeway. Then n***** Bob said this. Then I punched the n*****, and then I broke out.' And that's the story. But if a woman tells a story, they go into detail. 'Well, you have to understand, I was really depressed today. And, my friend was having her period.' 'I don't care about that shit, get on with the story!'"
I'd use Dane Cook too, except Cthulhu's got that covered.
(Put up the nothing fight: I love that one.)
"If our own government was responsible for the deaths of almost 100,000 people.....would you really wanna know?"
V for Vendetta, V.
V for Vendetta, V.
last edited on July 14, 2011 4:58PM
Runosonta
at 4:48AM, July 26, 2007
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posts: 176
joined: 7-23-2007
TheMidge28
I wonder if this thread might be better under Media Discussion...
But for my 2 cents worth...Demetri Martin.
Oh, right. I'm a newbie here and getting all these categorys mixed up ><
Sorry. If a moderator sees this, I'm voting for the moving.
Goddamn! I forgot about Chapelle! The KKK episode is hilarious :D
last edited on July 14, 2011 3:12PM
D0m
at 7:36AM, July 26, 2007
(online)
posts: 661
joined: 5-26-2007
I'm gonna go with Dave Attel, George Carlin, Jimmy Carr, Chris Rock, and Dave Chappelle. I know I'm gonna think of more later. =P
Nadya- a tale about what happens to SOME of us when we die.
Currently: Nadya is awake and asking more relevant questions.
last edited on July 14, 2011 12:02PM
Cthulhu
at 7:42AM, July 26, 2007
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posts: 5,095
joined: 4-18-2006
Dane. Cook.
last edited on July 14, 2011 11:57AM
Bekefel
at 7:45AM, July 26, 2007
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posts: 4,457
joined: 10-15-2006
Who the hell is Dane Cook?
Bill Bailey, Dylan Moran, Billy Connelly, Lee Evans and Peter Kay.
Chris Rock is funny to, but I can't really illiterate because I can't use the N word in here. Or the F word either actually.
(It's not fuck. Fa-)
Bill Bailey, Dylan Moran, Billy Connelly, Lee Evans and Peter Kay.
Chris Rock is funny to, but I can't really illiterate because I can't use the N word in here. Or the F word either actually.
(It's not fuck. Fa-)
Please, please, you give me too little credit.
last edited on July 14, 2011 11:16AM
ZeroVX
at 8:49AM, July 26, 2007
(online)
posts: 4,109
joined: 5-28-2006
Bekefel
Who the hell is Dane Cook?
.......
Cthulhu, calm down! He was just joking!
"If our own government was responsible for the deaths of almost 100,000 people.....would you really wanna know?"
V for Vendetta, V.
V for Vendetta, V.
last edited on July 14, 2011 4:58PM
TheMidge28
at 8:59AM, July 26, 2007
(online)
posts: 6,847
joined: 7-5-2007
ZeroVXBekefel
Who the hell is Dane Cook?
.......
Cthulhu, calm down! He was just joking!
Dane Cook is hilarious...BK drivethru and the pickle lady...riot!!!!
last edited on July 14, 2011 4:20PM
Bekefel
at 9:38AM, July 26, 2007
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posts: 4,457
joined: 10-15-2006
Dane Cook must really freakin' suck.
Please, please, you give me too little credit.
last edited on July 14, 2011 11:16AM
usedbooks
at 9:43AM, July 26, 2007
(online)
posts: 2,562
joined: 2-24-2007
My all-time favorites are Eddie Izzard and Demetri Martin.
I also like Lewis Black. (I think he's gonna give himself a heart attack one of these days... )
I also like Lewis Black. (I think he's gonna give himself a heart attack one of these days... )
last edited on July 14, 2011 4:36PM
Whirlwynd
at 10:26AM, July 26, 2007
(online)
posts: 179
joined: 1-6-2006
I'll go with Bill Engvall. I haven't heard too many other acts, though, so maybe I'll check out some of the comedians here. I did like what I heard of George Carlin.
last edited on July 14, 2011 4:48PM
Mr Chappers
at 11:19AM, July 26, 2007
(online)
posts: 148
joined: 3-27-2007
Ok....good list, but your missing out, Lee Evens, Billy Connelly and Al Murray.
Billy Connelly
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=c-t6_n6BR2U&mode=related&search=
Al Murray
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=ul7EDYXmDNE&NR=1
Lee Evens
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=xSfkd_-iQFA
I warn you, there is some swearing in these videos, and Al Murray is talking about the Americans.
Billy Connelly
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=c-t6_n6BR2U&mode=related&search=
Al Murray
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=ul7EDYXmDNE&NR=1
Lee Evens
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=xSfkd_-iQFA
I warn you, there is some swearing in these videos, and Al Murray is talking about the Americans.
Read the Author, its good i promise.
last edited on July 14, 2011 2:07PM
heccubus
at 11:51AM, July 26, 2007
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posts: 74
joined: 3-11-2007
David Cross
Richard Pryor (How the hell has no one mentioned him yet?)
Richard Pryor (How the hell has no one mentioned him yet?)
last edited on July 14, 2011 12:47PM
ZeroVX
at 12:03PM, July 26, 2007
(online)
posts: 4,109
joined: 5-28-2006
Bekefel
Dane Cook must really freakin' suck.
Bekefel, if you have a brain, run away!
CTHULHU HAS BEEN ANGERED!
"If our own government was responsible for the deaths of almost 100,000 people.....would you really wanna know?"
V for Vendetta, V.
V for Vendetta, V.
last edited on July 14, 2011 4:58PM
KamiDaHobo
at 1:27PM, July 26, 2007
(offline)
posts: 49
joined: 8-18-2006
My favorite comedian is any comedian that is against Carlos Mencia.
But from personal preferences, Mitch Hedburg, and old school Bill Cosby. Richard Pryor, but I think that one goes without saying.
But from personal preferences, Mitch Hedburg, and old school Bill Cosby. Richard Pryor, but I think that one goes without saying.
last edited on July 14, 2011 1:13PM
SarahN
at 2:12PM, July 26, 2007
(online)
posts: 1,581
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Hmm...all I can think of is Eddie Izzard and Dave Chappelle.
last edited on July 14, 2011 3:23PM
PhatScurl
at 1:50PM, July 27, 2007
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posts: 391
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My favorite comedians are Mitch Hedberg, Demetri Martin (spontaneous genius), Dat Phan, Chris Titus
I must thank you people for not bringing up Carlos Mencia, THANK YOU.
Also, to those who think Dane Cook is funny. Go find a nice deep ditch and bury yourselves.
Thank you.
I must thank you people for not bringing up Carlos Mencia, THANK YOU.
Also, to those who think Dane Cook is funny. Go find a nice deep ditch and bury yourselves.
Thank you.
last edited on July 14, 2011 2:43PM
Phantom Penguin
at 4:15PM, July 27, 2007
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posts: 1,075
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Ari Shifeer. The only white guy that has enough balls to talk about race just as much as Chris Rock.
And Richard Pryor. You call yourselfs stand up fans and only one other person said his name!
And Richard Pryor. You call yourselfs stand up fans and only one other person said his name!
Politics The Tankers Way Updates MWF!
last edited on July 14, 2011 2:42PM
Cthulhu
at 6:38PM, July 27, 2007
(online)
posts: 5,095
joined: 4-18-2006
PhatScurl
Also, to those who think Dane Cook is funny. Go find a nice deep ditch and bury yourselves.
That wasn't very nice at all.
No, not at all.
last edited on July 14, 2011 11:57AM
Maxw3ll
at 2:41PM, July 28, 2007
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posts: 174
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Bryan Regan is amazing.
last edited on July 14, 2011 1:56PM
maritalbliss
at 7:34PM, July 28, 2007
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posts: 1,044
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Carlin is my favorite. Done. Question answered.
(Guilty favorite: Sarah Silverman's latest Comedy Central stand-up show directed by awesome-awesome Liam Lynch was funny as the Dickens.)
Okay, okay---I'm also a fan of Eddie Murphy stand-up and Dennis Leary usually gets watched.
(Guilty favorite: Sarah Silverman's latest Comedy Central stand-up show directed by awesome-awesome Liam Lynch was funny as the Dickens.)
Okay, okay---I'm also a fan of Eddie Murphy stand-up and Dennis Leary usually gets watched.
last edited on July 14, 2011 1:53PM
ozoneocean
at 7:49PM, July 28, 2007
(online)
posts: 24,387
joined: 1-2-2006
Lee Evens? That wanker who does the slapstick? He's worse than Carrot Top!
The other yeah, but not that tool.
Hmm, who else? Ardal O'Hanlon is good. Stuart Lee... lots of others. ^_^
The other yeah, but not that tool.
Hmm, who else? Ardal O'Hanlon is good. Stuart Lee... lots of others. ^_^
last edited on July 14, 2011 2:27PM
SpANG
at 8:49PM, July 28, 2007
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posts: 3,105
joined: 1-1-2006
Maxw3ll
Bryan Regan is amazing.
I agree. He is hilarious! It's just spelled the traditional Brian, though. Not that spelling matters on the internets. ;)
Carlin WAS funny. Now he just strikes me as a ornery, unfunny, old cuss. He was a pioneer though.
Cosby was also extraordinary. So was Pryor. And Lenny Bruce. Eddie Murphy was funny only because these guys paved the way for him.
Dane Cook is a joke stealing hack. He stole Louis C.K.'s "Itchy Asshole," "Guy On A Bike," and "Naming Kids." Cook ripped these off for Retaliation. These are "Itchy Asshole," "Struck By A Vehicle," and "My Son Optimus Prime," respectively. Not that he doesn't have some original stuff, but the dude gets praised too much when he does the same thing as Carlos Mencia.
If you guys really want to challege yourself, name WOMEN comedians that are amazing. I read Sara Silverman, which I agree to an extent. Paula Poundstone is way funnier though.
"To a rational mind, nothing is inexplicable. Only unexplained."
last edited on July 14, 2011 3:52PM
ccs1989
at 9:00PM, July 28, 2007
(online)
posts: 2,656
joined: 1-2-2006
Personally I'm a fan of Ron White, Titus, and Lewis Black. Dane Cook is kind of funny but a little overhyped. He doesn't have that much material.
http://ccs1989.deviantart.com
"If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours."
-Henry David Thoreau, Walden
"If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours."
-Henry David Thoreau, Walden
last edited on July 14, 2011 11:39AM
SpANG
at 9:04PM, July 28, 2007
(online)
posts: 3,105
joined: 1-1-2006
ccs1989
Personally I'm a fan of Ron White, Titus, and Lewis Black.
True dat. Nice choices.
"To a rational mind, nothing is inexplicable. Only unexplained."
last edited on July 14, 2011 3:52PM
usedbooks
at 9:47PM, July 28, 2007
(online)
posts: 2,562
joined: 2-24-2007
SpANG
If you guys really want to challege yourself, name WOMEN comedians that are amazing.
I enjoy a LOT of female comedians. (I enjoy a lot of comedians period, but I decided to just name my top two favorites here.) The last one that made me laugh a lot was Rubi Nicholas, the woman who won Nick@Nite's funniest mom competition last year.
last edited on July 14, 2011 4:36PM
blntmaker
at 11:13PM, July 28, 2007
(online)
posts: 340
joined: 6-2-2007
I LOVE Stand-up! Try to catch a show as often as possible here in Los Angeles...
The short list? I gotta say...
Richard Pryor
Eddie Murphy (When he WAS doing stand-up)
Dave Chappelle
Chris Rock
D.L. Hughley
Louis CK
Lewis Black
Dennis Miller
Daniel Tosh
Jeremy Hotz
Mitch Fatel
Tom Papa
Christopher Titus
and
Katt Williams
Female comedians?
Judy Gold
Sheryl Underwood
Monique
Sarah Silverman
Someone mentioned Brian Regan (Yeah...I have his CD - Loved the HOOKED ON PHONICS track)
The short list? I gotta say...
Richard Pryor
Eddie Murphy (When he WAS doing stand-up)
Dave Chappelle
Chris Rock
D.L. Hughley
Louis CK
Lewis Black
Dennis Miller
Daniel Tosh
Jeremy Hotz
Mitch Fatel
Tom Papa
Christopher Titus
and
Katt Williams
Female comedians?
Judy Gold
Sheryl Underwood
Monique
Sarah Silverman
Someone mentioned Brian Regan (Yeah...I have his CD - Loved the HOOKED ON PHONICS track)
last edited on July 14, 2011 11:26AM
heccubus
at 9:37PM, July 30, 2007
(offline)
posts: 74
joined: 3-11-2007
SpANG
If you guys really want to challege yourself, name WOMEN comedians that are amazing. I read Sara Silverman, which I agree to an extent. Paula Poundstone is way funnier though.
Sara Silverman is one.
Jeneane Garafolo was amazing back when she was getting started.
Nikki Payne is by far and away one of the funniest women on Earth when it comes to crude, low-brow humour.
That's all I can think of right now. Truth be told, most female standups just annoy me.
last edited on July 14, 2011 12:47PM
Terminal
at 9:55PM, July 30, 2007
(online)
posts: 5,502
joined: 1-6-2006
I love The Amazing Johnathan.
last edited on July 14, 2011 4:11PM
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