Ok since no oneâ€™s having a go at Slither and Friends, I willâ€¦ Although I donâ€™t actually read it, (I have read a bit and itâ€™s always really good), so it may not be too true to the characters.
â€œAh-haâ€ Slither decided, â€œI know the perfect way to wealth and happinessâ€¦â€
Slitherâ€™s steely reptilian eyes settled on Herman the turtle, evaluating and finding him just useful enough not to be totally worthless.
â€œYou said something Slither?â€ Herman chirruped brightly, looking up from the Garfield comic heâ€™d been reading avidly.
â€œYes my dear Herman, I have plans; plans and schemes and thoughts aplenty. Quick Herman, to the submersible!â€
And so they dashed of down the jetty and into Slitherâ€™s personal Typhoon Class nuclear submarine that heâ€™d bought cheep from a nice old Ukrainian couple.
â€œWow Slither! This is a huge, big, massive, walloping iceberg of a submarine. It must have cost you an arm and a leg.â€ spouted Herman brightly.
â€œThatâ€™s not funny Herman, Iâ€™m a snake!" Spat Slither.
"...You know I only use arms and legs to buy the groceries.â€ Slither reminded Herman, scowling grumpily for a second, but then his expression changed in a lightning flash, â€œNo, actually I finally got rid of that CD of Cindy Lauperâ€™s greatest hits, it turns out old Ukrainians really love â€˜Girls just wanna have funâ€™, go figure."
And so with Captain Slither seated at the bridge of one of the worldâ€™s most powerful weapons, with an arsenal big enough to end civilisation, and Herman the turtle twiddling knobs and looking at dials, they powered on into the black depths of the Atlantic Ocean.
â€œUmmm, what are we going to do now Slitherâ€ Asked Herman in a small voice.
They had been at sea for 18 months now, tracing a course around various islands, playing chicken with blue whales, and circumnavigating the globe twice. Currently they were underneath the icecap at the North Pole.
Slither uncoiled his green sinuous scaly body from the resting place where heâ€™d been reading Hermanâ€™s Garfield comic. Giving Herman the full effect of his giant googy eyed stare for a moment, just to let the majesty of his genius sink in, Slither took a deep breath and began to reveal his devious planâ€¦
â€œRemember I told you how I bought this submarine from an old Ukrainian couple for a Cindy Lauper greatest hits CD? Well just imagine how much theyâ€™d be willing to give me for a whole truckload of Cindy Lauper greatest hits CDs!â€ He paused a moment, dramatically.
â€œThatâ€™s right! Iâ€™m going to trade this sub with Santa for all his surplus CDs. Iâ€™m sure heâ€™s got a pile of old Lauper in there, I mean no one likes her anymore and whoâ€™s he going to give them to anyway?â€
â€œSo Santa keeps lotâ€™s of old CDs to give away as presents?â€ Asked Herman quizzically, scratching the back of his shell as he fidgeted doubtfully.
Slither blustered at this, â€œOf course you fool! And heâ€™ll want this submarine so he can take over China and cease their rival toy production.â€
Herman came to the point that had been troubling him, â€œBut wouldnâ€™t he already have given all the Cindy Lauper CDs to the Ukrainians? If they like them so much, that is.â€
A gigantic Mushroom cloud slowly dissipated over the iceberg littered sea that was once the cold, untrammelled snows of the Arctic Circle.
â€œSet sail for China Herman! We go to claim our share of the toy market. With Santa out of the picture they should reward us handsomelyâ€.
â€œAye, aye sir!â€ Hermanâ€™s salutes were improving.
As the enormous black shape faded once more into the shadowy depths, the faint strains of a familiar tune could be just barely discernedâ€¦
â€œI come home in the morning light,
My mother says "When you gonna live your life right?"
We're not the fortunate ones,