I've noticed recently that as I play games I write reviews for them in my head. So, I decided to take those reviews and put them onto the intercatz.

I thought about making a comic of it, but I really just sux at art so I didn't want to fuck with it.

I'll be reviewing whatever game I happen to be playing at the time, so I could do ANYTHING from ANY generation, since I've recently been trying to pick up old games that I missed.

So anyway, here we go...

Super Smash Bros. Brawl

When I first picked up SSBB, I IMMEDIATELY started a normal Brawl. My younger sister was there, so it was incredibly easy. I then played ANOTHER Brawl after she left. This one was more difficult, because I jacked up the difficulty on the enemies. Still, it was pretty frikkin' easy, even on the highest setting. Fun, but easy.

After playing a few normal Brawls (And unlocking a couple of characters, I can't remember which ones), I went to the Subspace Emissary mode. I probably spent more time on this than on anything else. I REALLY, REALLY did enjoy the boss fights in particular. The platforming, while not the best I've ever seen, was still good. And the normal fights were just as good as the normal fights in all the rest of the game.

Unfortunately, SE has a few problems. First off, it forces you to play as characters you don't like. When the section showed up that made me play as Olimar, I almost ACTUALLY cried. Another problem is that it makes it FAR too easy to unlock the characters. One playthrough of SE will net you all but three people, and to get them you just have to play through a few extra levels. It was RIDICULOUSLY easy, even thought it WAS enjoyable. Even the final boss, who has at least ONE attack that always kills you, period, was laughably easy to take down.

After playing SE, I messed with the level editor a bit. Pretty cool, easy to use, no particular complaints here.

Now comes the really, really horrible part. The online.

The problems with online gameplay are so numerous and horrible that I don't even know where to BEGIN. Lags like a bitch, you can't change the setting, idiots spam the most asshole attacks they can and the guy who gets the most smash balls ALWAYS wins (Unless he's Donkey Kong, because DK's FS sucks). All of this would be semi-bearable if the online ACTUALLY differentiated itself from the normal Brawls in any POSITIVE way. Unfortunately, it doesn't. Lack of voicechat makes all of the characters into faceless bots. Instead of thinking "I'm fighting Lord Shplane" or "I'm fighting HPKomic" or "I'm fighting Myxo," you think "I'm fighting Marth" or "I'm fighting Link". BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING TO LET YOU TELL THAT YOU AREN'T JUST FIGHTING BOTS.

Of course, that was just with the random people. SURELY it's not that bad when you play with your friends, right?

Well, some of the problems are gone, but other ones join in. It doesn't lag as horribly, and you can switch around some of the settings (They don't always work, but you can fiddle with them), and that's good. However, the hassle of remembering a "Brawl code", which is basically a friend code except exclusively for Brawl is ridiculously annoying (Why the HELL can't I just use the original friend code? In fact, why can't Nintendo figure out that people don't want to type in random 852 digit numbers and would prefer to get to just set up names?). And WHY can I only have a five character name? And WHY is the only form of communication a single fucking taunt?

I don't know about the rest of you, but I play online games to interact with others. If I didn't want to talk to anyone, I'd just play the fucking single player mode.

One more general complaint: Final smashes. They COMPLETELY unbalance the game in every way imaginable. Oh, look, there's a little ball! Hey, if I hit that ball, I'll get a new attack rite? Is it incredibly powerful? For some people you say? And those people have the best attacks to use to break a smash ball? And everyone else is screwed over either way because if the other people get even ONE final smash off they get enough kills to seal the match? Good thing you can go into the settings and turn them off if you're not online.

Really though, I'm bitching more than I should. I REALLY did enjoy this game, and I think I'm just being hard on it because the bad parts would be SO easy to fix if they'd been given the same attention as the rest of the game.

tl;dr version
Pros: Everything that was good about Melee? Take that, and add in a few more characters and a level editor.

Cons: Online mode is worthless, final smashes are horribly unbalanced, and it's INCREDIBLY easy.

Overall: 9.25/10

(Post about Disgaea: Afternoon of Darkness coming soon)

Disgaea: Afternoon of Darkness

This is quite possibly my favorite game that I've played in YEARS. (Yes, I realize it's a port) Story, gameplay, characters, it's ALL excellent.

The story that I just mentioned being so awesome, focuses on Laharl, the Prince of the Netherworld, and heir to the throne since his father died by choking on a pretzel. Sounds pretty awesome (Except for the pretzel part), right? Well it is. Laharl is a badass of the highest level (Though the shorts make him not quite LOOK like it), peers with the likes on only a few, such as Kratos from GoW or... Well, honestly I can't think of anyone besides Kratos who even comes CLOSE. This guy can drop a fucking meteor on you, cut the fabric of spacetime around you, summon giant fiery orbs of death, and destroy entire spacefleets ON HIS FUCKING OWN.

Of course, Laharl isn't the ONLY character. And while no one else quite achieves his level of badassery, the other characters are all memorable/adorable/awesome in their own rights. Etna machiavellian yet adorable, Flonne is adorable yet... DOUBLE adorable. The rival, Vyers/Mid-boss is hilariously badass. And Prinnies? They're exploding fucking penguins. With PEGLEGS.

The whole story is simultaneously hilarious, touching, and awesome. Hell, it even makes a political statement about discrimination.

The gameplay is excellent, with each class doing something awesome that the others can't do (Except Divine Majins being able to do everything ever better than everyone else, but you don't really have to use 'em, and they're ridiculously hard to unlock anyway). The transmigration and character creation systems are awesome. Really the only complaint I have is that some characters are hard to level up at first, but that's even not so much so that it's impossible.

The sound is good technically, and there's nothing wrong with the music or combat effects. For the most part the voice acting is excellent, though there are a few points that sound unnatural and forced.

The art style is awesome, cartoony without looking stupid, anime-like if you will. From a technical standpoint, there IS a problem with weapons phasing through the ground and such, but other than that everything looks just fine.

Really, this game has taken my "Favorite Game" spot away. Nippon Ichi is my new favorite developer, and I can't WAIT to really get into my newly purchased copy of Makai Kingdom.

tl;dr version

Pros: Excellent storyline, characters, art style, and humor. Some of the best gameplay I've ever seen in an RPG.

Cons: Voice acting sometimes (though rarely) sounds off, and there are a few miniscule technical problems with the graphics.

Overall: 10/10

Oh lawd, where have I seen this before?

And what's a 9.25?

You need to work on your reviews, Lord S.

I would have given Brawl a 6 or 7. Melee was a solid 9 in my book, and Brawl just did most of what Melee did, but not as well.

BlueFlame_Studios
Oh lawd, where have I seen this before?

And what's a 9.25?

You need to work on your reviews, Lord S.

9 and 1/4. I see it QUITE often in my Game Informer, actually.

And what do you mean "seen this before"? The only reviews I regularly read are Game Informer ones, and they didn't say ANY of this.

In my opinion, Game Informer is the worst gaming magazine I've ever seen which is like the paperback counterpart to Gamespot.com, eck.

And I meant, it seems familiar. You've probably picked up a thing or two from GI.

And OUCH Isukun. Your bar is bit high.

BlueFlame_Studios
In my opinion, Game Informer is the worst gaming magazine I've ever seen which is like the paperback counterpart to Gamespot.com, eck.

And I meant, it seems familiar. You've probably picked up a thing or two from GI.

And OUCH Isukun. Your bar is bit high.

I picked up a bit of the writing style, I admit, but the opinions are entirely my own.

And Game Informer is actually the only one I trust now. :/

Why?

BlueFlame_Studios
Why?

*Shrug*

They tend to agree with me more than anyone else does.

I read IGN and think "God wtf is wrong with these idiots?" 80% of the time.

I predict this is going to end well.

Lord Shplane
*Shrug*

They tend to agree with me more than anyone else does.

I read IGN and think "God wtf is wrong with these idiots?" 80% of the time.

I tend to side with IGN. To me it just seems that their reviews make more sense and are more constructive than most others out there.

I use game reviews the same way I use movie reviews. I look at them en mass, by going to places like Gamerankings.com. One reviewer can get it wrong, but 15 reviewers can help you get a better idea. If I want to know more specific things, I start reading those reviews.

I only trust Yahtzee.

Mostly because my attention span is too short for primitive, written reviews.

Custard Trout
I only trust Yahtzee.

Mostly because my attention span is too short for primitive, written reviews.

AMEN.

Yahtzee is God.

ANYWAY, this is me reviewing, and not any of those other faggots.

Expect me to put up a review of either Makai Kingdom or the first Xenosaga game next. Probably Xenosaga because I'm like right at the very end of it.

Then after those two, it'll be either Devil May Cry 4, the SECOND Xenosaga game, or Uncharted (Which I never finish'd yet. ;_; )

EDIT: Metroid Prime 3's also coming soon. Expect me to bitch about pointless things yet praise how awesome the Space Pirates look.

DMC4 fucking sucked. So did the others that weren't the first one.

What the hell is with Capcoms obsession with spooky arms? HEY GUYS LOOK NERO HAS A SPOOKY ARM! IT CAN DO THINGS ORDINARY ARMS CAN'T, LIKE GRAB THINGS! WOWZERS!

And then there was that puzzle where you had to knock the thingies around, that was just dull.

I AM THE BEST REVIEWER EVER SEND ME MUNIES NOW

Custard Trout
DMC4 fucking sucked. So did the others that weren't the first one.

What the hell is with Capcoms obsession with spooky arms? HEY GUYS LOOK NERO HAS A SPOOKY ARM! IT CAN DO THINGS ORDINARY ARMS CAN'T, LIKE GRAB THINGS! WOWZERS!

And then there was that puzzle where you had to knock the thingies around, that was just dull.

I AM THE BEST REVIEWER EVER SEND ME MUNIES NOW

I haven't started on the real game yet, but I actually liked the "GRAB SHIT" mechanic in the demo. :/

Lord Shplane
intercatz

I can't even read this post because of this.

I'll handle the DMC4 review for you Shplane.

Devil May Cry 4

So then, it's Devil May Cry "Nothing different from be" - 4.

Tip: Don't buy this game, don't accept bribes to get this game, when a friend asks if you want his copy, take if from his hands and throw it into the fire and watch it burn.

Alright maybe I'm being a little harsh. Just take it outside and jump up and down on it a few times.

Pros: You are no longer Dante.

Cons: You are now someone even gayer.

Overall: /0

I've played a bit of DMC4, and I love it. No full review yet as I haven't even come CLOSE to finishing it, but it's still pretty awesome.

I started playing Oblivion again (Actually going to finish the main storyline). I think it'll probably be the next review I put up.

Have you played the Shivering Isles expansion for Oblivion? It rocks.

Custard Trout
Have you played the Shivering Isles expansion for Oblivion? It rocks.

I want to. I REALLY FUCKING DO.

But I don't have the GotY Edition or a credit card to download it with.

:/

I'LL GET IT SOMEDAY THOUGH