After reading one of Skullbie's posts about how bad a particular comic was by Marvel, it reminded me of my own disdain for mainstream comics in general.

One of my arguments as to why mainstream comics tend to be poorly done is because the person with the vision and passion for the comic isn't necessarily the one in control of it.

Then my mind got to thinking: What kind of chaos would happen if one of us DDer's were suddenly given the reigns to Marvel and all its holdings? Let's assume that anyone else you might have to answer to was liquidated (because it's fun) so there is nobody who can stop you from enforcing your will upon the company or any of its titles. (Feeling like a super-villain yet?)

What... do... you... DO? (Please, feel free to cackle evilly)

I'll start off:

- I'd kill off Wolverine, without dignity or drama. The Punisher would finally get to kill off Kingpin. I'd leave Captain America dead.
- I'd kill anybody with powers at Superman's level or higher -- tone 'em down or lose them.

- Spider-man would either get natural web-spinners (ala the movie) or suddenly say "Hey, I invented 'web fluid' using nothing more than a civilian chemicals and a home lab. Apparently I am a super-genius; perhaps I could have a more lucrative day-job if I perhaps sold a few inventions instead." (That would be their choice)

- Magneto would develop an obsession with holding papers to fridges. He'd also have senior moments, bad arthritis and a tendency to doze off.

- Characters would suddenly realize how freaking expensive it would be to maintain robot armies, clones, and what-not or they suddenly become bankrupt and the laughing stock of their community.

- The girls would complain about back problems where applicable.
- The guys would be popping steroids and interrupting fights to hit the gym for four hours every day... or their designs are toned down a bit. "Now, you will pay for... awww crap! I gotta hit the gym NOW or my build will deflate! C'mon, somebody spot for me..."

- Everyone gets to take advantage of whatever is stupid about their opponents' costumes. Wedgies ahoy.

- Nobody will take death seriously due to the amount of times people have been killed and then brought back. Super Villains will, at some points, just give up saying "What's the use, no matter what I do you'll come back anyway".

I just have one thing- Stop all the damn useless special series that are currently running throughout Marvel. They have Civil War, zombies, secret invasion, and now they announced a possible sequel to secret invasion called Dark Reign. They did something like this 20 years ago with an endless series of special comics, each one more so than the last, and it nearly killed off the damn industry because people were sick of it, and probably would have if not for the fanboys.

Put Spiderman back on track.

By that you would mean... send him to gym class running laps? Combining him with "Thomas the Tank Engine" so he becomes Spider-Train-Man? Tying him to the railroad tracks? I'm pretty sure that won't work as someone must have done that already at some point...

Maybe give him a body that's anatomically possible would be a good start though. He USED to be human-looking.

Personally, I'd have one final crossover event in which every hero and villain is killed (finally, irretrievably killed) with the exception of the top, maybe, half a dozen properties.

I'd then strip each of the remaining characters of every last vestige of the previous convoluted continuity, except for the three or four basic characteristics that define him or her.

With fewer characters to focus on and without the constraints of having to make everything in every title consistent with absolutely everything that's ever happened in the last fifty years, there would only be enough work going forward for the writers who can actually write and the artists who can deliver work on time and up to standard.

Oh ... and then I'd go and do the same at DC!

I'd make them draw dirty pictures.

then make some money.

For profitability and to allow the series to appeal to women more, storylines will be discontinued. Instead, full advantage will be taken of the discontinuity and crossover problems in order to better make the best of a bad thing, and from hence forth, all burly, tights wearing men will become gay for each other and start entering each others worlds as if they were on the set of friends coming and going from each others apartments. Spiderman and Wolverine will have a love-hate triangle relationship with Spiderman attempting to hide his identity from Wolverine because he's afraid the jockish guy won't love him if he knew how much of a geek Spidey truly was inside.

For the men: Hot Mary Jane on Elektra action.

I'd stop them from having so many stupid cross-overs :\

Oh, and I'd bring Captain America back from the dead.
And team him up with Wolverine, and Spider-man.
And throw Deadpool in there too, just for kicks.

Ryuthehedgewolf: We're sorry but after lba's contribution he is preferring to stay dead.

moar deadpool for lolz

Yeah, DeadPool would be the main guy and every other character would be a side character for him to fight, make fun of, whatever.

Every story can continue as is, but Deadpool is in all of them to tell them how stupid they are =D

Joe Quesada is a Skrull - it's the only way to explain the cheapness of Captain America's death, the cop-out ending of World War Hulk, and the horrendous decision that was One More Day. When you're making writers pen tales so bad they don't want to put their names on 'em, (J. Micheal Strychsl...however it's spelled - in the case of One More Day) it might be time to take him out of the Editor-in-Chief position and get him back to penciling.

Joe Quesada is a Skrull

Holy crap i just laughed so hard, i'm in the college library right now too xD

I'm more a fan of vertigo and dark horse, but if i had marvel i'd keep the same crap happening to please the 30somethings who still read the comics- Then i'd get some people who know how to write and get comics aimed at teens and 20 somethings of both genders.
I'm sure there are girls who read marvel comics but for the most part hardly any, they aren't aimed at them(i.e. no character development or drama) which is what i dislike about superhero comics the most- it's all captain justice and wonder bland boy sidekick fight the evil mother-issues man and save the day-no thank you.
Oh suuuure they throw in 'DEEEP' woman with breasts as big as her problems, but you ever notice how readers seem to love the 'normies' like mary jane more?

This is why naruto and manga is so popular, the characters live and grow during the story while they fight- they're normal kids who do extraordinary things and they grow up. they aren't already 30 years old ans muscle men, people can't relate to that.


And i'd change the formatting of the comics- I'd make them smaller like a graphic novel and give them way more pages. I'm sick of going into barnes and nobles picking up a pretty comic only to see it's like 25$ for 40 pages @_@

So i'd basicallly ruin marvel for old neckbeards and make it popular with the younger crowd. The end.

I would give up on the printed medium in the classic "comic a month" release format with a series. Focus more on Graphic Novel production with high writing and illustration delivery but produce it at a high grade but low cost for the consumer. I would also create a young adult book series which has no pictures at all and have writers produce stories in the same vein as the Star Wars, Star Trek and D&D universes but with the Marvel Universe, the kind of books you could get in Troll Book Clubs in school back in the day. Think The Babysitter Club but with Wolverine and Cyclops. lol! And if a series in this vein becomes entirely popular produce the graphic version of it and option it to Hollywood. I would also broaden the scope of characters and move away from the "mutants" theme. Its done.

Also, start fresh with new ideas which are not built on the past concepts and characters. I would start pulling artists and writers from indie comic scene and drop the "looks and sounds like everything else" style.

I call this "try to create something new and original".

First things first. Make a rule that states that Wolverine can no longer appear in every friggin' comic series.

Then I'll make another rule. Dead means dead!!! A writer kills off a character in the story. That's it. I mean really, how many times has Jean Grey been 'killed'? I lost count.

One More Day.....never happened.



NO MORE CROSSOVERS!!!!!

Ryuthehedgewolf
I'd stop them from having so many stupid cross-overs :\

Oh, and I'd bring Captain America back from the dead.
And team him up with Wolverine, and Spider-man.
And throw Deadpool in there too, just for kicks.

This, only they'd get hit and killed by a meteorite five minutes after their adventure starts.

Custard Trout
This, only they'd get hit and killed by a meteorite five minutes after their adventure starts.

We later find out that the meteorite actually contained bullshitonium; a chemical making them stronger, faster, and easier to retcon than ever before!

First, make sure all their old ocmics are collected in b&w 500 page volumes (not just selected ones, ALL of them) using POD (so that not to flood the stores with them) and sold through an online store.

Then I'd kick all the monthlies and switch to miniseries/graphic novels that would openly avoid any continuity (rather than pretend that they stick to it). So if I'd want to have a "mind-shattering event" or something, it'd be one volume to buy and no tie-ins.

Oh, and I'd also expand their Icon imprint. There needs to be more Kabuki and Powers.

Snacks and superheroes: http://smurfwreck.libsyn.com/index.php?post_id=246368

I'm gonna step right into the middle of this hate-fest and say I'd change nothing.

I mean, c'mon, you people love to bitch about Marvel and DC, the big boys of American comics, but why? Because they aren't as good as you'd like? Fine, stop reading 'em. Why change anything? If you want something like a manga, go read a manga.

We love to focus on what Marvel and DC fail at, that we seem to ignore our own failings. I mean in the webcomics sense.

How many awesome webcomics have been started, and then unceremoniously canceled by their creators? Too many. Just like how Marvel fears taking on risky new properties.

We have just as many failings as Marvel or DC, the only difference is, we aren't getting paid, nor is anyone paying money to read our stuff. And you know what? That's okay. There's nothing wrong with any of this; although I'm sure most of us would love to be able to make a living off our work and never need to hold another job again.

I actually enjoy some of Marvel's titles, not all of them hardly, but then I just avoid those whenever possible. It's not like Marvel is force-feeding you their stuff, and it's not like you all have to take it. There are plenty of other outlets for comics out there, and if you honestly think Marvel and DC has a monopoly on comics in the U.S., you're full of it.

If someone with the urge and drive to do it would try to compete with the big boys, offering everything you guys seem to want, I bet they'd do just fine.

I'm gonna step right into the middle of this hate-fest and say I'd change nothing.

I mean, c'mon, you people love to bitch about Marvel and DC, the big boys of American comics, but why? Because they aren't as good as you'd like? Fine, stop reading 'em. Why change anything? If you want something like a manga, go read a manga.

Actually I stopped reading them a long time ago. I like web comics because the very things that make mainstream comics suck isn't forced upon them -- things like having to appeal to the masses, adding crap because it's popular, or changing writers and artists on the fly. Web comics have their own issues of course, but that is 1. a different thread entirely and 2. the aggravation comes when talented people aren't recognized to the fraction that hacks like a certain overpaid individual with severe anatomy problems and no writing skills.

The reason why I like to attack the big boys is because they've got the money and yet manage to suck harder than a super-hoover.

I don't have any fond feelings for manga, either. Naruto actually does the same kind of crap as Marvel as far as bad writing goes, it just does it in an Eastern culture style. There's a reason why I don't read manga or watch anime, too.

Now just so you know I'm not 100% bile-filled, there are good bits and pieces from just about anything. Marvel, for example, like to use real-life cities and give characters human failings. And Mojo. Patlabour is an awesome series (just not the movies). Batman has some truly classic villains who are sometimes even written well, depending on who's at the helm.

Is this thread a hatefest? Well, I have no love for Marvel (or DC, or anime) but if you look at the posts, it's not all steaming venom. There are some interesting business ideas to be found.

Skullbie
I'm sick of going into barnes and nobles picking up a pretty comic only to see it's like 25$ for 40 pages @_@

"Hey, is there a way we could deliver comics at a better price but retain most of the quality?"

Joe Quesada is a Skrull - it's the only way to explain the cheapness of Captain America's death, the cop-out ending of World War Hulk, and the horrendous decision that was One More Day

"Maybe we should make sure our writers actually have taken a course on writing. Or maybe we should just start doing some drug screening"

Every story can continue as is, but Deadpool is in all of them to tell them how stupid they are =D

"Mayhaps we should have more of a sense of humour about our stories considering they are about men in tights and call girls on patrol,"

DAJB
I'd then strip each of the remaining characters of every last vestige of the previous convoluted continuity, except for the three or four basic characteristics that define him or her.

"Yeah, let's make sure we've taken a writing course or two first"

Then I'd kick all the monthlies and switch to miniseries/graphic novels that would openly avoid any continuity (rather than pretend that they stick to it). So if I'd want to have a "mind-shattering event" or something, it'd be one volume to buy and no tie-ins.

"Maybe our creators deserve more freedom."

Actually, Aurora Borealis has some REALLY interesting business ideas. Let's put him in charge of Marvel instead.

I would kill the fuck out of Speedball. Or "Penance", as he's now known since he got all emo.

Punisher would kick twice as much ass as he already does.

Eddie Brock would get his symbiote back. Then carnage would return, but Venom would kill him off for good. Because NOBODY can be Venom like Eddie Brock.

The big Sentinel that shits out the little sentinels will be destroyed. FOR PERMANENT.

Lots of Captain America wannabes would go around bombing third-world countries for the sake of graet justis. Punisher would kick their asses.

It would turn out that Barry Manilow's music is lethal to the Skrulls. It would be broadcast worldwide, causing their heads to explode, a la ""Mars Attacks"(Best Tim burton film!)

Punisher and Deadpool would get Iron Man armors and paint them like their costumes. Then they would break into the DC Universe and kill everyone except the Batman characters.

Well, if I may reply, Smkinoshita, I do acknowledge that most of you have some good points and great ideas, but my point was simply that every single person who ever mentions Marvel or DC on most webcomic forums starts another rant against them, and it all starts to sound the same.

Really, you're just against most of the major printed media because of that fact that they make concessions to the masses and occasionally sacrifice plot to sell more issues. Why is that such a shock to people? And moreover, why the hell does that make you all so angry? They are out to make money, ooh, what a big shocker there!

I dunno, I guess it pisses me off so much because most people start sounding elitist with their little "I hate Marvel" rants. I actually agree with most of what you people have said, but what gives us the right to say we're better than them or our comics are better then theirs? We aren't better, just different. Individual writers, artists, and comics may be better, but taken as a whole, the world of webcomics is no better than the world of print comics.

I don't know.... Maybe I'm the wrong one, playing devil's advocate and being unable to see this evil agenda that the big comic publishers have to completely and totally destroy comics and popular entertainment as we know it. All I know is I keep getting these headaches when I read threads like these....

Time for an aspirin....

Really, you're just against most of the major printed media because of that fact that they make concessions to the masses and occasionally sacrifice plot to sell more issues. Why is that such a shock to people? And moreover, why the hell does that make you all so angry?

Can't speak for the rest of the participants, but it's not all venom and bile unless you fail to see the humour value in Magneto actually acting as old as he is. *cough cough read Superfogeys http://www.drunkduck.com/The_SuperFogeys cough*

but taken as a whole, the world of webcomics is no better than the world of print comics.

Taken as a whole, the world of webcomics fills me with dread and despair if the products are a reflection of the person's mindset in any way. Thankfully the world of webcomics is like an iceberg in a sea of sewage -- most of it is beneath the unpleasant stinky surface, unseen. I could then complicate the analogy by also mentioning this iceberg has precious diamonds hidden in it, some of which is sealed below the waterline of sewage that will take digging out to expose to the world... but it sort of loses its punch with that much verbosity.

don't know.... Maybe I'm the wrong one, playing devil's advocate and being unable to see this evil agenda that the big comic publishers have to completely and totally destroy comics and popular entertainment as we know it.

Agenda? Nah, they're just incompetent overall. The anger doesn't come from their lack of ability however -- that's nothing new. It's when unqualified people are in positions that pay many times that of their equally qualified or MORE qualified peers that tends to inspire irritation at the very least. I can understand your headache, mostly 'cause this ranting won't actually bring changes.

But the thread's also for fun:
Spiderman and Wolverine will have a love-hate triangle relationship with Spiderman attempting to hide his identity from Wolverine because he's afraid the jockish guy won't love him if he knew how much of a geek Spidey truly was inside.
How could you not laugh at the mind-bending wrongness? LOL!

Well, I don't get this conception that every Marvel employee is somehow a multimillionaire, except for course for the writers and artists, who are basically slaves to an omnipotent God-like creation. Like with any business, only the top brass gets the cake; everyone else gets smaller pieces of the pie. Same as anywhere, so that argument always annoys me.

But really, my rant was just the culmination of too many threads with too many of the same things being said repeatedly. It's like those PC vs. console threads on game related websites. Just how many of the stupid things can one sane man take before he completely snaps?

For me, it was this one.

But I never once said there wasn't good ideas here, or that Marvel is a brilliant company; all I said is we get the same song and dance each time. I also never said there was no humor here. I just...snapped.

Now, having said that, how many of you little Duckies feel safe going to sleep tonight? lol!

Steely Gaze
I'm gonna step right into the middle of this hate-fest and say I'd change nothing.

But I want moar Deadpool. :P

smkinoshita
- I'd kill off Wolverine, without dignity or drama. The Punisher would finally get to kill off Kingpin. I'd leave Captain America dead.

I agree with you on Wolverine. Kill him for a year. Bring back Captain America though. Why? They killed him during a strange time. Marvel is an AMERICAN company...where's the patriotism?

Speaking of PATRIOTISM...

-I'd bring back ALPHA FLIGHT and make John Byrne relaunch it! He'd have to commit to it for three years.

-Downsize the X-Men.

-Lobby for more crossover stories with DC.

-Do a feature film on a Marvel character/group every two years...Marvel movies are starting to feel like Disney - great segue.

-An ALL MARVEL theme park!

I'd stop producing monthly comics. Not only is it more costly to print, advertise, and distribute monthly comics but only the handful of specialty shops still order them (and sometimes high profile comics make their way to a Borders).

It's much more cost efficient to put out one good TPB every 6 months. All the top publishers have dozens of ip's that don't sell; what's so difficult about selling a TPB a month? Every month there's a 120+ page complete story sitting on a book store.

I'd kill the Punisher. With a street thug. Using a knife. Yes, it couldn't happen to such an awesome combat machine. But, if he can take on the bad asses of the Marvel Universe and come out on top, it's only fitting to be hoist by his own petard.

Also, I'd stop all the freaking mega-crossover events. And if I controlled DC, this would be in place there, too.

One More Day? Dumbest idea since the Clone Saga. Why does Marvel insist on doing stupid mega story lines with their flagship character?

Venom and Carnage would quietly disappear, never to be mentioned again if the writers and artists want to keep their jobs.

Wolverine would only appear in a story if there was a reason for it. And he'd only be a member of one team. Period.

Chris Claremont would be blackballed after being forced to write a public apology for starting three million subplots without resolving any of them and for creating a new character that is very similar to an already created character, but created by someone else.

Overpopulation of redundant superheroes/villains that no one cares about. They need to die, all of them, for good. But I think they should die everyday, in-the-line-of-duty deaths. Such as death while fighting crime or being murdered by a villain with a grudge. Not in some sort of universe-in-peril crossover. Superheroism/villainy is a dangerous profession and it should be shown. None of this "I fight crime by day and have a loving wife + 4 kids by night" crap.