Happy Days
Sunday monday etc.

You don't want my feedback. I'll make you cry.

I got to the end of the second paragraph before I punched my computer moniter with an axe.

That's pretty good. Several things recently have reminded me that even on the internet, ppl are more complex and more intelligent than they first appear in forums.

In general.

Good stuff. The kind of stuff that could possibly get me hooked.

Now make that into a comic please. Thanks.

I'm cool then. Thanks guys. But no, never make that into a comic. Can't draw. And Mercs is fun. This was just something I wrote up so my Aunt would leave me alone about writing since everything else I write I also just do for fun.

Tralala.

Sidwarrious
I'm cool then. Thanks guys. But no, never make that into a comic. Can't draw. And Mercs is fun. This was just something I wrote up so my Aunt would leave me alone about writing since everything else I write I also just do for fun.

Tralala.

awwww... this sucks... :(

For one I can't draw. And I don't think Monica's style would be appropriate. Mercs has it's fair share of dark turns and moments, but nothing to this extent I think. Besides, it'd be a really short one and more then likely no good. X__x I was nervous about even posting that up. But if you want anything else I write I'll post up or send to ya. It is my hobby after all. And it'd be nice to have someone appreciate it for once. Rather then me deleting it.

i wouldn't give this as a christmas present. i wouldn't give an entirely happy-go-lucky puppy's first bath type of thing either, but you have to be careful when writing about a family setting and then letting your family read it.

some spelling and grammatical errors.

the second paragraph, first sentence, try not to describe adjectives with another version of themselves. it feels tacky, as opposed to the play on words that you had to wholly desecrate a place so holy which was very nice.

More detail would definitely make this story more enjoyable and endearing. why did she grow frustrated with the dimestore novels? why or how was she lazy? could that have brought her down? more length definitely wouldn't hurt this story. you've created a character. let us into her.

because the first paragraph is all about being blinded by tears you may want to consider making that a motif in the story by relating back to it vaguely.

i like the tone change at the end, a nice hopeful twist.

you said feedback, so i gave feedback and hopefully it's helpful. I try to be constructive as much as possible because there's no point in being like, "hay this is the greatest story evah" or "this story sucks". No one grows from that and you have potential here.

Hunh, didn't expect anymore feedback. But no, I think I said all I wanted to say with it. And I think if I TOLD you how she was lazy you wouldn't have to think at all. Plus it's kinda obvious.

Anyway! Close this please. I got everything I was looking for out of it!

kyupol

Sidwarrious
I'm cool then. Thanks guys. But no, never make that into a comic. Can't draw. And Mercs is fun. This was just something I wrote up so my Aunt would leave me alone about writing since everything else I write I also just do for fun.

Tralala.

awwww... this sucks... :(

Oh, well.

Seriously let this thread die.

Don't like the story, sorry, but not good at all.