Am I in the right forum? Can I talk about books/novels I'm writing here? If this isn't the right place, please move me. Anyways...
The url for the story, "Angels Kiss and Demons Lie" is:
http://www.mediaminer.org/fanfic/view_ch.php?cid=509778&submit=View+Chapter&id=146788
[mediaminer.org]
I'd like your opinions! I've only done a paragraph of the second chapter so far, though... Don't be too rude or anything, but don't be afraid to put me down! I can take it! *hides under a rock*
Oh, and it's a fantast/comedy/romance kind of book (the appropriate kind of romance!)
going away - Art & Literature Corner
I am making a story... Not sure what to think of it, really.
Insane Video Gamer
at 1:53PM, Dec. 8, 2007
(offline)
posts: 157
joined: 8-29-2007
My comic link is:
Random Insane Sprite Comic
Random Insane Sprite Comic
last edited on July 14, 2011 1:00PM
Ladyknight17
at 5:19PM, Dec. 8, 2007
(online)
posts: 89
joined: 12-18-2006
Error finding...which I'm that last person that should be pointing out spelling or grammar errors...LOL.
“Good God, Alex, why don't you find a nice hobby., (S)something that doesn't bother me or involve me?!†Linda yelled at him. Alex flinched a bit, still not quite used to her.
Seems to make it a little redundant.
"As she hit the floor, she started cussing, at him and the fact she just fell square on her face."
This just feels awkward. Technically "cussing" is a slang term. Maybe changing it to swearing instead? Plus, it would seem a little hard to swear if you fell flat on your face.
"Z is the heads on a coin, and Alex is tails."
Again...feels a little awkward. Unless it's somehow relevant to the story, just saying "Z and Alex are two sides of the same coin." seems to work a little better.
"Linda always thought twins were pretty much the same, but this pair proved her wrong. Serious and quiet Z with playful and loud Alex, living in a humongous mansion right outside the cities."
Again...a little awkward. I do this when I write. The first draft is always full of awkward phrases and sentences. I have to go back many times to flesh them out, and straighten them up, so don't feel bad. Maybe substituting "Linda had thought the twins one in the same before getting to know them better."
I think once you go through and hammer out the awkward pieces the story will feel as if it has more weight. It really doesn't feel as if you're confident in your writing at all. Readers will always pick up on that. Have some faith in your self and in your story. Be careful to avoid plot holes. There isn't enough story there to really see any, yet. But they are so easy, even for the professionals, to fall into. Make sure you have a firm and steady direction for your story to travel in.
I see a lot of awkward places. I won't point them all out. But like I said...have a little faith in yourself and your writing. That in itself will go a long way.
“Good God, Alex, why don't you find a nice hobby., (S)something that doesn't bother me or involve me?!†Linda yelled at him. Alex flinched a bit, still not quite used to her.
Seems to make it a little redundant.
"As she hit the floor, she started cussing, at him and the fact she just fell square on her face."
This just feels awkward. Technically "cussing" is a slang term. Maybe changing it to swearing instead? Plus, it would seem a little hard to swear if you fell flat on your face.
"Z is the heads on a coin, and Alex is tails."
Again...feels a little awkward. Unless it's somehow relevant to the story, just saying "Z and Alex are two sides of the same coin." seems to work a little better.
"Linda always thought twins were pretty much the same, but this pair proved her wrong. Serious and quiet Z with playful and loud Alex, living in a humongous mansion right outside the cities."
Again...a little awkward. I do this when I write. The first draft is always full of awkward phrases and sentences. I have to go back many times to flesh them out, and straighten them up, so don't feel bad. Maybe substituting "Linda had thought the twins one in the same before getting to know them better."
I think once you go through and hammer out the awkward pieces the story will feel as if it has more weight. It really doesn't feel as if you're confident in your writing at all. Readers will always pick up on that. Have some faith in your self and in your story. Be careful to avoid plot holes. There isn't enough story there to really see any, yet. But they are so easy, even for the professionals, to fall into. Make sure you have a firm and steady direction for your story to travel in.
I see a lot of awkward places. I won't point them all out. But like I said...have a little faith in yourself and your writing. That in itself will go a long way.
Tired of messing with a banner. Just visit the comic at...
www.drunkduck.com/red_poems/
Thanks.
www.drunkduck.com/red_poems/
Thanks.
last edited on July 14, 2011 1:27PM
Insane Video Gamer
at 9:00AM, Dec. 10, 2007
(offline)
posts: 157
joined: 8-29-2007
Thank you very much for that. I don't ever have confidence in any of my novels, which is why they never get finished. TT.TT
I'm glad someone criticized instead of saying something like "oh, good development of characters" and blah blah blah.
^___^
I'm glad someone criticized instead of saying something like "oh, good development of characters" and blah blah blah.
^___^
My comic link is:
Random Insane Sprite Comic
Random Insane Sprite Comic
last edited on July 14, 2011 1:00PM
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