How to be an zombie.
Aurora Moon at 2:22PM, Aug. 5, 2008
So, now you are a zombie. A walking cadaver. An undead spawn of Satan. A sickening meatbag. You are slow, rotten and HUNGRY!
HOW TO SURVIVE AGAINST HUMANS
Your biggest disadvantage is certainly your speed. Forget about running. You have to kill those pesky slimebags using surprise and fear. Closets are your best friends (other good places to hide are: back of a car, behind a door and in the shower). Hide and sneak but be sure to roar loudly (I doubt you can do anything else anyway) when a living being sees you.
Once the meal is frozen in fear, flail your arms rapidly in its direction. Now this shouldn't be too difficult. Crack open the skull and feast upon it. You may take a spoon if you feel dandy.
Choose your victims carefully
Go for slim women, children and weak old men. If you see a man wielding a chainsaw, shotgun or weed eater, forget it and try to run (crawl if your legs ran the opposite way). Screaming blondes are a meal of choice and don't need a lot of preparation.
If you live outside a city, you will need extra skills to find prey. Hide in rest stops, hitch hike or simply leave for the dense population areas. And don't forget that cows, horses and chickens are not really tasty and you will only get more and more bitter. Real zombies don't eat animals.
In cities, getting a meal is pretty easy. You will be able to survive for days before the meals even start understanding what's going on and think about hiding or fleeing to a lone house deep in the woods. Then go for the malls, subways, schools and radio/TV stations (it's unavoidable that the food will try to communicate with the outside).
Help! My snack is locked in a house!
At some point during the party, groups of humans will start hiding in houses and block all the exits with everything they can find. My suggestion is to wait outside and let your comrades get killed by trying to force the entrances. Try to shut down the electricity by munching through the power lines: you have nothing to fear, you will only feel dizzy for a couple of minutes.
If you are nearby a source of fresh water, dump unused body parts in it. One day or another, the dinner will have to go outside for food/water/gas. Now it's your chance!
- Use rocks to break windows. Don't punch through it, your hand may fall off.
- Wait a few days before eating your snack, it will only taste better.
- Humans having sex are the easiest prey, just join in the fun.
- Hospitals are a great and almost infinite source of calories but it's entirely self-service.
I hope this file will help you in your new unlife. Send me your personal experiences.
Good luck and don't forget: keep your eyes in their sockets!
Zombie Guide at Everything@
I'm on hitatus while I redo one of my webcomics. Be sure to check it out when I'n done! :)
last edited on July 14, 2011 11:10AM
Sea_Cow at 10:36AM, Aug. 6, 2008
Alrightey, now we're set!
last edited on July 14, 2011 3:26PM
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