Review for Tales of the Traveling Gnome
WRITING:
This is a generally well-written comic—not too many typos, but I left comments mentioning a few of the ones I found while reading. (There was also a “some times†instead of sometimes, towards the beginning, but that’s minor.) However, I have a few issues, the first of which is originality. In a genre like fantasy that’s been done a thousand times over, a writer has to do something ‘different’ to make the story stand out from the thousands of other “elves and dwarfs and healers†sort of stories. It seems a little
too genre for me, and the characters are more types than people at the moment. The healer, Lizette, is a peaceful and gentle woman, for instance—exactly how healing ‘types’ are generally portrayed. Maybe if you made
her the fiery one, and Sveina the halting, shy type, the story would seem more dynamic. And also, if you had some twist on the generic fantasy environment—for instance, the way that the Harry Potter series put wizards in a school setting, or the way Marion Zimmer Bradley reinterpreted Arthurian legend through Morgan le Fay’s perspective in
Mists of Avalon—it would make the story more interesting. (Also, as far as fantasy things go, you can’t just throw us in without explaining things.
This page, in particular, confused the hell out of me, in general. )
Another problem I have is the long blocks of text. First of all, the writing is so small that I have trouble reading it at times. Also, during long speeches, you tend to simply cram lots of words in miniscule font into one speech bubble. Spread it apart, so we can see the different facial expressions and such. Or even better: brevity. On page 25, Dossiar tells the traitor, “Respect, is it? Then if I may be the voice of sanity for a moment, have you given due consideration to the consequences killing a priestess? The temple will damn your soul, spit your head on a pike, and use various part of your person to decorate the city walls. All the gold in the kingdoms won’t change that outcome.†I understand that you want to achieve that floral language that so often appears in fantasy-themed works, but it drags down your writing, makes it longer than it has to be, and seals your comic’s adherence to the fantasy formula. You could get those points more tersely. Also, comic writing is usually different than novel-writing (although your blocks of narration
are excerpts of a fictional memoir). It, too, should be more terse. Say less, show more. Don’t explain so much stuff away—it weighs down your comic. I’m especially talking about your introductory first ten pages or so.
“One thing I learned early on while traveling with Aroni... when he says to run, he REALLY means it.†Rather than tell us this, show us a panicked, “I’m-not-kidding-run†look on Aroni’s sexy face. Readers will get it.
Starting off in medias res was brave, but weighed down your story. I had to struggle to remember names, to figure out what on earth (or elsewhere ;)) was happening, etc. It took away from the whole story. My writing teacher always said to introduce only a few characters at a time, and when they’re developed memorably,
then bring in the new characters.
That being said, once the POV switched to the hobgoblin battle, I was SO feeling it. It looked like the Mines of Moria from LOTR, except with many Gollums rather than Orcs. Part of the reason it was so much more successful was because it was just between Dossiar and Aroni, and because the action was happening right then, not as some response to something vague that we didn’t even see. (What did the thief guy steal? How did Sven die? Why are they all there in the first place? How do they know each other? These things could help your readers care more about your characters, which is a big goal.) Anyway, the hobgoblin part was great also because I think Aroni has the potential to be an awesome character. He’s drawn attractively, he’s brave, and I think you hinted that he was half-elf? Which could cause some sort of character-building inner conflict (which you need a lot more of. Everything that’s happening is too plotty—without characters that we care about, who can really get into the plot?)
A lot of these gaps can be attributed to the ‘awkward phase’ that any comic is liable to have. I think you can fill them up nicely, given time. Just try to actively avoid stereotypes, and try to take it a little slower.
(Oh PS, a transition from past tense to random present tense on
this page )
ART:
The art is fantastic. But there are some things I think the artist should work on as well, mainly expressions. Pages like
this one , while consistently well-drawn, lack true emotion. The expressions seem plastic, frozen. Another example is
this, especially Aroni’s face in the last panel—far too blank. On
this page , the second panel looks off emotion-wise (he doesn’t look shocked!), although the last panel is colored so beautifully that it really makes up for it. Overall I’d say to the artist, don’t be afraid to really distort faces to show expression.
I was sad to see the color go, but I’ll live. However, the completely black areas on some pages, especially
this one, make it difficult to register what’s going on, and flatten the image. It’s a sunny day, so there’s no reason that the shade that he’s sitting in is pitch black; I’d suggest using crosshatching or at least some gray tones, especially to denote foreground/background differences. This isn’t always a problem though—I think
this page utilizes the black a lot more effectively, although I honestly doubt that the shadow the little girl is casting on the guy’s shirt is enough to make it that black.
OVERALL:
Overall, this is an engaging, beautifully drawn comic with issues that are easily remedied. While the standard fantasy jargon and the in medias res introduction might make the story confusing for some readers, I have the feeling that this comic will get clearer and even more exciting over time. I have favorited
Tales of the Traveling Gnome, and plan on following this story.
heh I wrote a lot...
Tales of the Traveling Gnome
