http://www.drunkduck.com/Ialus/index.php

Okay, I'll go first. My initial response? "Oh crap! More manga!" Sorry, but the art in these cartoons is so generic/formulaic. The first time I saw the silhouette of a face drawn as a single line outlining nose and chin, with the mouth on the side, I thought "interesting. not accurate, but interesting." Now I see it and think "Oh crap! More manga!"

Okay, I got that off my chest. Time to move on.

Story- I get a real strong feeling this isn't just "developing," but that the artist wrote the story first. And not just wrote it, but thought about it, thought about how to put it together and make it flow, etc. Well done. And tragically rare. The story is clearly meant to appeal to an audience that does not include me (40-something male), but I can see how it would get and keep people's attention. ***** for the story.

Art- No points for generic manga faces. Sorry, but to me that's copying, not drawing. Readers can't tell the gender of characters until they are told- that is not a good sign. HOWEVER, body movement and structure are well done. Backgrounds are also well done, acting both as background to the art and as part of the story. ** for art.

Writing- Too wordy. Not too many words, too wordy. The characters try to explain too much at once. One good test is one thought (maybe more than one sentence, but just one thought, one issue, one idea) per bubble. Sometimes that means additional panels, or even whole additional comics, but it will save you from stitled or confusing dialogue. *

Technical- The font has changed recently, which is good. The original font just did not match the art, the characters, or the story. It was too technical/formal, like using the front page of the Wall Street Journal in Bloom County. Also, far too much tiny little type was shoved into bubbles. It's getting better, but Times New Roman (or something similar) will always be jarring and distracting in a cartoon. Other technical issues- flow has improved significantly. At the beginning I just wasn't sure which way to read. ***, mostly for improvement.

Conclusion- The strength of this comic is the writing and the thought put into the story BEFORE drawing. The characters are good, the story flows. Other strengths are motion and backgrounds. Weaknesses are fairly generic manga art, typeface, and wordiness, but these do seem to be improving. In the end, the story is the thing, and this crotchety old guy therefore gives it an overall rating of ****. Well done.

I agree with dhonig on a lot of stuff.

Art: Decent, it is always clear what is going on in each panel and who is who. The backgrounds are unique. It's also full color, which is nice. None the less, there are some proportion and perspective issues, the shading and fabric wrinkles sometimes don't seem natural. Sometimes I think you were being too literal at times, showing the literal backgrounds when something else could be used for more dramatic effect (this is especially true for battles).

Writing: Also pretty good. The story flows quite nicely and moves along at a good pace. The characters are also likable. I agree that the large blocks of text need to be broken up. When the marriage between image and text is just right, a comic can be like a good book or movie, you forget youre reading a comic and just become engrossed in the story and drama. The large chunks of dialog create a disconnect between image and text; and you are immediately reminded that you are reading a comic. I would also say you should try to express more without words. Many times when i was reading your comic I felt like you added dialog or thought bubbles where none were necessary.

Overall: Not my cup of tea, but well done. As with any comic from someone who's a budding artist, there's lots of room for improvement, but the fundamentals of storytelling are there. Keep it up and keep refining your craft.

Art: 3/5
Writing: 3.5/5
Overall: 3.5/5

Thank you both for your reviews! I appreciate you taking the time to read my comics and give me an honest evaluation.

I know, I need to work on my wordiness. I'm still trying to get used to the comic scene, so to speak, and this is something that translates to real life- sometimes, I need a tall frosty glass of STFU. Hee hee! :) I've struggled with text bubbles. I need to plan for them a lot better before I add them on, on the computer.

I'm glad you appreciated the story. Ultimately, that's what I'm doing this for- it's not a fantastic, epic, monster story, it's just a story. The comic part is for practice and getting better at drawing.

The only part of the critique that I've gotten is the blatant bias against manga/anime style. I could easily direct you to several vastly different anime styles that look and feel separate from one another. The reason there might be gender issues is because I suck at drawing men, not because of the style. And I disagree that it's "copying". Yes, I've copied others to get a technical feel for things, but can you point to what manga/anime I've "copied" from? That's a little insulting, though it's your opinion and I respect that. Please also respect that there are people, like me, who enjoy the appearance of, and enjoy drawing, manga-influenced art.

But! All that aside, again, I appreciate the time it must've taken to go through and read the comic. I'll take into consideration your suggestions and appreciate your personal opinions on the comic.

I did not intend to insult you, but to point out that they "style" becomes somewhat generic. The example I pointed out was the full silhouette with a single line, with the mouth not matching the silhouette, but instead in the middle of the face. Let me show you what I mean.

Look at the middle panel on the right here-http://www.drunkduck.com/Ialus/index.php?p=239037 , or the bottom panel on the left OR top panel on the right, here- http://www.drunkduck.com/Ialus/index.php?p=234501 . Okay, now look at these comics: http://www.drunkduck.com/Paranormal_Activity/index.php?p=227293 , http://www.drunkduck.com/Paranormal_Activity/index.php?p=227293 .

That's just one randomly selected manga comic. See what I mean? All but the best-drawn manga comics have the same face. Faces really don't look like that. Mouths are not in the middle of the cheek. When I see one, it's interesting. When I see 20, it's derivative.

I'm not trying to start a fight, but to explain what I meant by my comments. I do not think you were intentionally copying anything, but even using something as a "model" can lead to unintentional copying if you don't step hard outside your "model" very consciously.

I hope that explained what I meant, and helped. I really think you've got something going here, particularly the story, and offered the criticism with the best of intentions, not the intent to hurt.

I shall critique! :D

First off, I read everything you guys said, and I'd say that manga is a style of drawing. I mean, a lot of people draw manga, yet a lot of manga look very different from each other. Sure, you pointed out about mouths and stuff, and how all their faces look exactly the same, but it's just a way of drawing. I draw manga, and my character's faces don't look the same. They're different based on personality. But it's optional to draw it that way.

Anyway, I should just critique Ialus before this thread becomes a debate.

Artwork:
The artwork is wonderful. You draw a lot of positions and expressions. Although, there are some anatomical issues there. (Is anatomical a word?!) I have noticed when you draw breasts, they seem a bit low on her torso. If you raise it up a little, she would look very proportionate. Also, the hands look a little strange at times. Try to avoid drawing mittens a little more :) Hmm... Let's see... I am glad to see that you color. Coloring comics is very difficult, because it takes twice as long as a black and white comic (which is why I have limited myself to black and white... *tears*) But anyway, nice job on that. Also, try to make your lines a bit thinner. You will be able to add more detail that way. There's one more thing: the highlights in their hair becomes a bit distracting. please try to avoid drawing highlights like strips. Also, you don't have to make them so bright. It's slightly distracting when I tried to read it.
Oh god, I'm so picky. Sorry about that! They're just small things. Overall, you did a nice job on the artwork!
4 out of 5

Storyline:
I love how you started it! The girl was about to jump off that cliff! I wanted to keep reading! You see, that's what every comic needs: a nice CLIFF-hanger! (Please don't kill me for the pun!!!) Ah, anyway, I like how you made all of the characters secretive. It's like you had to keep reading to know what was going on, and if you stopped reading it, you'd have to read more out of curiousity. I like that a lot. Keep at it, it's really going somewhere!
4.5 out of 5

Technical:
This was mentioned before. It's very wordy. And you even see that yourself, which is good. If you wanna fix that, you can see that your characters think waaay too much. Like this page: http://www.drunkduck.com/Ialus/index.php?p=137225
There's so much thinking!!! I didn't wanna read it all! If you want your character to think, you should just take all the things you want him/her to say, and sum it up in about 2 sentences. That way, I won't be bored (Since I don't like reading, and I get bored extremely easily. Don't ask what I got on my report card.) Your bubbles first started shakey looking, but in the end they improved. Good job on that :) I like your panel set up for all of your pages, and it's very understandable.
Just fix the wordy thing, and you're all set!
4 out of 5
(I almost put 43 out of 5. Funny, huh?)

OVERALL!!!!!
I like your comic. That's my opinion. I'm not in love with it. I don't hate it. I like it. And I say that because if this were published, I probably wouldn't buy it, but I'd gladly enjoy reading it. Why do I say this? I always give honest opinions about all the webcomics I review. And that's why I think :)

Overall:
4.5 out of 5
(I'm not doing the math, that's close enough!!!)

Good job! I would love to read more of your stuff!!! :D
(By the way, I love elementary aspects!!!)

Thank you, DancingChaos, for your review! Yeah. I've always struggled with hands, and I didn't do myself any favors by avoiding them for years and stucking them behind objects or people's backs.

Major "LAWL" on the page you picked for the wordiness. XD I knew, before I checked what you were referring to, what page you'd picked. I think that was the point I really started to realize how bad my over-wordiness was. Gah.

And I know this wouldn't sell if I went to publish it. This isn't something I plan on publishing...this is something I do to get my feet wet, and because I enjoy it so much.

I'm glad to hear you enjoy Ialus(and Elementary Aspects!), and hope that they continue to entertain you!

No problem, I'm glad you liked my review!

I think you show great promise. Your dedication is obvious. Also your love for the story is easy to see. Watch your dialogue. It tends to be a bit wordy & melodramamtic. The characters are interesting, but the story overall will benefit from your continued dedication, as the more you write, the better you will get.

The art too shows potential, but this is where my review gets heavier...

I tend to agree that the art is very generic. Aside from the static POVs (everything is shot pretty much head on), the numerous anatomical issues, & the hard to follow visual storytelling, I find the oversaturation of colors & textures beyond frustating. Since it appears almost no color theory is applied, and the lights and darks are not thought out, the foreground & background are often confusing, & the eye has no place to rest. I would suggest studying color theory & using your darks & lites to add depth to the scenes. The funky background patterns are occasionally nauseating & ALWAYS distracting. Further I would suggesting a color palete that isn't all day-glow, or at least that you use such vibrant colors with a little more intent so that their vividness doesn't because mundane, as it is now.

As far as this "well it's manga" defense, I don't buy it. Goseki Kojima, Nobuaki Minegishi, Takeshi Obata, Takehiko Inoue, & Hiroaki Samura, just to name a few, are all amazing *manga* artists, but they have their own unique style. Using a style to hide behind will not help your art improve. Be more than your style (as the artists I've mentioned are). Rise above the crowd as opposed to hiding within it.

Move the camera around. All your shots are from the same POV, which robs your work of a great deal of dramatic impact. Study your favorite movie directors. Figure out why they chose a shot for any given scene, & apply that knoledge to your pages. Worm's-eye shots, bird's-eye, & panning shots (just to name a few) would make your story all the more impactful.

Plan out the storytelling of you pages better. I was often confused at what was occuring (which does not happen when I view the work of the other manga artists I mentioned), from panel to panel & page to page because your storytelling was hard to follow. You often broke the 180 rule, and chose what I'm assuming were close-ups (I wasn't always sure that was what they were) at the oddest moments. The storytelling was further hampered by the shifting genders of your characters. From page to page & panel to panel I was often confused as to whether a character was male or female. This has to due with your rendering, but still affected the storytelling.

Study the work of true masters, not just your favorite comic book artists. A large majority of comic book artists are horrible at anatomy. Actually take figure drawing classes, and sketch everday objects. Your work will improve by leaps & bounds as you study these things. Sketch the furniture in your house, members of your family, your cat, cars, rooms, furniture, landscapes, everything. I know it's boring, but unless you do your work will never rise above cliche.

Draw backgrounds. Your world seems to exist in this wierd disco room, with nothing but pyschodelic lightshows filling the air. The world of your characters is as important a character as the living ones. It gives the reader a place to flesh out, as opposed to an ever-changing LSD trip.

That's my 7 cents. Take it, leave it, but you asked for it.

Later,
Chip

Thank you, cs3ink, for your time in reviewing Ialus and writing your review. Your opinion is quite valid, I think you covered a lot of things I do need to work on.

I didn't realize my colors were all "day-glow". That's a sign I need to adjust the brightness of my screen, because that's honestly news to me.

I never made the "Well it's manga" defense, or at least not as you seem to be taking it. I'm not TRYING to copy manga, I don't call my artwork manga, I don't copy from other manga artists. It would benefit me to actually read comic books, for layout and perspective insight, but I don't really have the money to go out and buy them. I am by no means trying to hide behind my art style, I am trying to improve each and every single day, and each and every single page. I'm not "hiding" from anything, and frankly that whole paragraph is an assumption that you've made from other artists making those defenses and have applied them as a blanket thing. Or, someone recently ticked you off about that. Either way, that was an accusation that I'm not comfortable with. At the very least, if there was something you saw that made you think I felt that way, please feel free to elaborate. However, I stand by the fact that I agree, I need to improve, to transcend my current limitations.

I know I have a lot of room to improve, and that there are techniques I still have to learn. Thank you for pointing out where I can get the info/training. I appreciate your advice.

Ya know, ML, I gotta agree with you, & apologize for giving you a hard times on a stance others took, but you never actually did.

My sincerest apologies for misquoting you & riding you for something you never said. DEFINITELY my bad.

There are some WONDERFUL examples of solid storytelling here at DD. Allow me to recommend Atland , Devoid of Life , Lizzy , Penny Copper , Pictures of You , Red Mantis , Softshell , Tales of the Revenant , The SuperFogeys , &, because I'm a shameless self-promoter, I'll even offer up my 2 books, since others have told me they like my storytelling skills, Terran Sandz , & Broken Things . I'm surely many other wonderful examples of solid storytelling here at DD, but I figured I'd give you a start.

Keep at it. Your attitude is refreshing professional & open-minded. You'll go far if you just persist.

It was a pleasure typing with you.

Later,
Chip

Overall I find myself liking the comic. You have an interesting premise and a good story hook. Surprisingly effective use of flashbacks as well. Aside from some initial confusion about the setting and the male lead, the story is fairly easy to follow, and I only felt lost for a few pages at the beginning. The dialogue, I think, is a bit forced in places. I'm not the greatest writer, so I can't really comment on how to improve it. Maybe try saying the conversations out loud and see if it sounds natural?

As far as the art goes, I have to agree with the comment earlier reviewers have made, that it's hard to tell what sex the characters are. It took me several pages to figure out that Steve was not a girl (and many more before I found out his name), and then he grew breasts again in the page where he got smacked with a tray. I would suggest getting some books on figure drawing and working on your precision and line quality to make the characters each have their own unique build and facial features. That way the readers don't have to rely on hairstyle and costume to tell who is who.

The colors do need work, they are far too saturated. The black lines of fairly uniform weight and the consistently bright colors make it difficult to pick the subjects out of the background in frames where a background with any level of detail exists. I would suggest toning down the background colors and using thinner lines to make the focal points of each frame stand out more.

The pacing from one frame to the next seems haphazard. Sometimes it really detracts from the story, like the bottom left frame in the page where Steve introduces himself. Why are we focusing on her legs for an entire frame? Other times the beat frames are very appropriate, such as two pages later. I'll give you points for trying to spice up your page layout, though, and you do seem to be improving as the story progresses. I would suggest finding some online comics you think have compelling visual storytelling and reading them with careful attention to what frames are important in relation to what's going on in the story. Think about how quickly things move from one frame to the next and what the emotional impact of each frame is. Also, before you use a closeup or an inset, consider what, how, and if said closeup adds anything to the story. Too often the closeups appeared for no discernable reason.

Despite all the bad stuff I had to say (I'm a naturally critical person) I did enjoy reading the comic and hope you continue to work at it. I was actually able to get into it despite being turned off by the art at first, and as important as fair-to-excellent art is to me in a comic, that's saying something. The story was much better and more unique than I expected, I'd just like to see the art brought up to par to match it.

Thank you all again for your reviews and the time you took to compile them. I didn't mean to seem like I was arguing with any of you. ^^; I've started implementing your suggestions for improvement, and they really do help the overall feel of the comic. I can't do much about the saturation of color right now- my computer screen is really dim, making it hard to judge how the comic looks one way or the other- but as soon as I can, I'll work on that, too.

Again, I really appreciate the reviews you guys have given me. ^^ It's really helped.

Well this is my firts review, I prefer to review works using manga style, because I've a little more experience with that kind of art than the rest, but I'm no expert, so this is mostly my opinon.

( 5 is the top grade =P)

Artwork:
When I started reading the story, my first impression of the art alone, was that it was plain, it was missing shadows and volume, even thought the artist experiments with different positions an perspectives, that's a good point, many artist fall in the mistake of using just front or side views. I also found some odd positions and things like that, but what I noticed, and thought that was very important, is the improvement, when reaching the final pages, I noticed that the use of shadows and volume improved, and the poses do it as well.
There are still some important mistakes in the artwork, for that I would grant a 2.5, but the use of expresions, and how the artist manages to project the feelings, thats a 3, now the improvement deserves a 3.5, and because it's not my work (you always see your own work as being perfect, hard to find mistakes) I'll grant a 4

4
Storyline:
It's an interesting story, not plain serious, with fun times, and overall it seems to be planned ahead, not just a thing that was made up while drawing it (not that it's a bad thing, but that's more for strips).
I didn't found any remarkable hole in it so I'll grant a 5

5
Writing:
As some had said befor, try to reduce the dialogs, I know it's really hard at first when you have everything planned, but comics with to many dialogs tend to get boring some times.

Try using separate or divide or multi bubbles, like here in the first pannel
This dialog for example I would have made it something like this:
Steave it's never easy to kill anyone. <--- that in the first bubble
We were attacked, besides my voice has an effect on you, remember <---second part of the bubble

Just suggestions that may work.

4
Panneling:
This is my favorite part, because many of us tend to make a lot of mistakes,and forget the basis.
Remember that manga works more less like a movie, you don't have to make it all equal, or relationed, you can use panels with just the sky or horizon to make a transition, or pannels with what the characters are seeing,just text pannels, play more with this, it will give some kind of dinamics to your manga, also play with the size of your pannels, from time to time make pages with just one or two panels.
I would recomend not to use more than three rows of panels per page as a standard, this can change of course, but I think it would help, also, from time to time use a pannel as a whole row, and they don't need to be all squares or rectangles, try some other shapes like trapecius or things like that (I usually make that mistake, and the work tends to be boring), but never leave death spaces between panels.

over all I'll give you a 3.5 here

finally Ialus gets a 4.12 of 5 =D

Okay just read it all and I'm ready to review.

Synopsis:

Ialus is a shoujo-styled fantasy manga about a young woman named Almarina who is half Siren. Sirens are mystical beings who can make men fall in love with them through various pitches in their voice. After her father is killed due to the council of their town hiring an assassin to murder her she flees and falls from a cliff. Soon after a young man named Steve who is a technological and magical genius. Together the two join in an adventure of suspense and mystery to find Almarina's past, the cure to the Siren's song, and the reason for the council's betrayal.

Art

The style is much like most mangas but more... curvy. The backgrounds are mostly non-existent at first but come into play more and more through out the series. I do enjoy the characters quite a bit as they often carry funny expressions and movement. The art obviously was influenced by many graphic novels such as Fruits Basket and possibly Trigun. Overall the line art can use some work but is well on its way to a definitive look.

Coloring

The first few pages are colored mostly by using the gradient tool and therefore seem repetitive and off putting to a new reader. Although after the first five or six pages that quickly changes to simple color fills and the occasional use of shadowing. I would really love to see some burn/dodge effects along with more diversity in background coloring. The hair is fairly well done with simple lighting illusions but could definitely use improvement on the part of Almarina seeing as how it is one of her most outstanding features.

Writing

My personal specialty and coincidentally my favorite aspect of this comic. The writing denotes mystery, suspense, and humor as most amateur made mangas attempt to do, the only difference is this one succeeds. The writing is witty and well placed, and often times surprising. The world is made through words instead of backgrounds and awe-inspiring images which is my main gripe about this particular comic. But the writing itself more than makes up for it. I often times found myself not even noticing the background as I read the dialouge and just got lost in the story.

Overall I'd give Ialus a 3.7/5 the only things holding it back from a much higher grade are the coloring and backgrounds which I believe would sky rocket not only the popularity of the comic but also the quality and the enjoyment of the reader.

Greetings -- this is my first review, so bear with me. I realize that Hypnocrites is the one in red, but I didn't feel I could adequately review a political comic.

I try not to let myself be swayed by other reviews, but I have to admit I used ShinGen's synopsis because I couldn't get past the first chapter. Now, part of this is because of my personal preferences -- I tend not to read serious comics, preferring gag strips or humour. But there's more to it than that.

And before I go into my review, I have to put in this little section here:

About My Bias

First, let's address the anime/manga bias as I see this one crop up a lot. A person not a fan of anime/manga says "Oh no, not more anime/manga". The anime/manga fan gets offended, and does the "it's not all the same" argument, to which they're hit with "It's very similar" and in worse case scenarios bloodshed and tears follow with no one the wiser.

I used to watch anime in high school. Having watching North American cartoons most of my life, anime was different, unconventional, and new. I watched all kinds. I particularly enjoyed Tenchi Muyo's first few videos. One of my friends liked more adult, edgier stuff (with lower gore though) while another liked... just about all of it. Then it got popular, and at first it was neat to see it in the mainstream. Then more came in and I got tired of it, and now it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, with the exception of the Patlabour series.

These days, I have no ideal cultural source for my entertainment. Japanese media repeats itself as often and as badly as North American or any other. What I look for is something that breaks the typical conventions and stands out somehow. The more it's distinctively someone's own, the better. Throwing fireballs due to arcane talents or years of training is nothing new. Throwing fireballs because EVERYONE can and it's based off what you had for breakfast? That catches my attention better, but it's still only good if you can work it in well.


Now the Review

Artwork

I'm going to guess that the technology available to the artist are limited, or the artist isn't very experienced with it. This is mostly from personal experience; it's hard to make good work if you're using "Limited Edition" tools, which I did with Super Temps for quite some time... and your lines looks similar to mine when I first started. If you're starting with paper-and-pencil sketches initially, I recommend scanning them at a higher resolution, and then shrink the image down to publish and it will help the lines a bit.

As to the artwork itself... it's an atypical "wanna-be" anime/manga style. No, it's not "influenced". Look at the old Transformers or GI Joe cartoons, and you will see the anime influence. (No, I'm talking about the ones from the 80's. Yes. Those) Skull Girl, Skiv, and Jenny the Kat from my own comic have anime influences. (Skull Girl is half Japanese, so she's got a better excuse) It's wanna-be because you're mimicking the conventions you've seen. You want your artwork to completely mimic an established style, and you can tell.

In defence of the work, I can tell it's also very 'young', and it will improve over time. I've already seen evidence of this in your backgrounds comparing the first page to the most recent.

This is my own personal preference talking, but if you wish to avoid the stigma of "anime/manga wanna-be" then you'll want to practice more realistic life drawings. The anime/manga style will still influence you because you enjoy it, but it will be much more your own style and not an emulation.

Story

Nothing really new or striking to me. I've seen a number of the conventions before, such as the dark, angsty character full of regret, young individual full of rebellion, or the amount the characters get teary. My main problem is how overly dramatic everyone is, and how verbose their thoughts get. Now, I'll admit -- verbosity is a problem I have as well. (I rant... lots) But it's not very realistic.

Example: In Chapter Three, Dispelling the Illusion... someone attempting to throttle a hated enemy to death is not likely going to think to himself "Dammit, why can't I kill him? Why? Why?" A murderous rage usually involves more action and less thinking. Trying to figure out why an action isn't working is more something a cool, collected individual does. An experienced assassin might ponder it, because he's killed enough to know that usually the person is dead by that point. It would be better to have no dialogue at all. It's a comic -- we can SEE it's not working, but your character is probably too angry to think anything, other than maybe on a primal level of "Maybe I'm not squeezing hard enough"

The story generally isn't interesting to me, but I have to admit that I was really put off at the beginning with the weepy girl and the girlish boy. Gonna go with Dhoing and say that I'm not in the target market.

Conclusion

The Bad News: This is not a comic I would read. The style and story seems to be directed more at teens (which I'm not), and the artwork doesn't attract me (I'm biased against anime and manga).

The Good News: This is still a comic other people would read (obviously if you look at the other reviews), and it has growth potential both for itself and for its artist.