He stared the woman directly in the face and cracked an infuriating smile
"And what did you see?" He said. She looked back at him in a nervous manner.
"I started to hallucinate." She repeated. She wiped the sweat from her forehead with a nearby monogrammed napkin.
"But what exactly did you see?" He said in a slightly firmer tone.
"Cats. Big purple cats...standing on the ceiling."
"Right. And how do you know that you were hallucinating?"
She stared in astonishment at the very notion of this suggestion.
"Because cats can't possibly stand on the ceiling!"
"And how do you know that?"
"... just because it's not possible!!"
He took another sip of his drink and paused for a moment as if to reflect. In this he seemed entirely opposite of the woman he was speaking to, who was shaking slightly at the very nature of this conversation. He casually looked at his watch.
"Well, ma'am, it has been a pleasure speaking with you, but I'm afraid I must be going, I have an appointment to keep." With that he promptly stood up, sidestepped to avoid the chair, and turned to walk the opposite direction. After a step and a half, he turned back around, confident that he still held the woman's attention, in fact the attention of the entire coffee shop (the woman he'd been talking to had succeeded in making quite a scene).
"One last thing:" he said softly. "look up."
He turned back around and walked casually out the door.
The woman and the rest of the coffee shop patrons in general, looked up. Many of them screamed, the rest merely gasped.
It's not every day you see big purple cats clinging to the ceiling of a Starbuck's.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To read the parts of this chapter that make sense...you'll have to purchase the book!!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This chapter consists of six words.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That's the whole chapter, none of it makes sense.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As it stands, many of you are unaware of the only truly universal fact. This one rule, this one law of existence, holds our frail universe together. Without it, there would be no plaid, and the answer to everything would be Seven. This would not be a world that anyone would want to live in.
So now, while I have your fullest attention, I want to make clear the absolute, positively ultimate law of the universe.
This law, stated in our primitive language of English, is:
"You can't beat the Electric Penguin."
Why? Doesn't matter.
We as human beings are bound by many rules. We are bound by the laws of physics, rules of etiquette, laws of nature.
But the Electric Penguin is not. He is bound by only one rule.
And what is this rule? It is:
"You can't beat the Electric Penguin."
Now don't tell me you didn't see that coming. It's a very simple concept. If you learn nothing else in your lifetime, you must always remember that you can't beat the Electric Penguin. Not you, nor anyone else.
There is only one way for the Electric Penguin to be beaten, and that is for him to have a Platonic Aneurysm. That is, an aneurysm that happens on another plane of existence.
There was, at one time, a man who could beat the Electric Penguin, and that man's name was Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy's. But now, Dave Thomas is dead, and that means that there is now no one who can beat the Electric Penguin.
If the Electric Penguin were beaten by a Platonic Aneurysm, then the only way to bring him back would be to collect the 180 magical Rune Stones of Antarctica, then to place them in a circle. Inside the circle, you must sacrifice a goat by beating it to death with a herring. Then, once that is done, you must hold a Big Freakin' Disco Dance Party!!!! In the middle of the party, the Electric Penguin will materialize inside the mirror ball and destroy it with his field of electric power. Then, he'll start bustin' a flightless bird move with all the fine honeys at the party and once again, it will be as it was! The first and only true law of the universe, the one unbreakable, fundamental rule, the greatest, most triumphant decree:
"YOU CAN'T BEAT THE ELECTRIC PENGUIN!!!!!!!"
Amen, suckas.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That chapter makes more sense than anything you've ever read and YOU KNOW IT!!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------